When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.


her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears


Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene


Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it


i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her


There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?


6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting