@kate_mckean

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

@EyalTweet

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

@PausedSponge

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

@LoveNLunchmeat

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

@thehedrick

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

@squirrel74wkgn

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

@meantomyself

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting