One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You Might Also Like
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”