unbelievably distressed by this ad
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.