Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables