Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.