Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Facebook memories be like
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.