Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.