JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Go hard or stay average
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.