NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids