SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.