How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Whoa 😂
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing