Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.