@AndyRichter Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
@AndyRichter @AndyRichter At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
@AndyRichter Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
@AndyRichter If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
@AndyRichter How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
@AndyRichter Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
@AndyRichter If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
@AndyRichter After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
@AndyRichter Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
@AndyRichter Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior