
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior