Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Yes, but it was never about money
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth