@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@AnitaHelmet

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

@AnitaHelmet

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

@AnitaHelmet

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

@AnitaHelmet

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@AnitaHelmet

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

@AnitaHelmet

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

@AnitaHelmet

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.