It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid: