It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.