I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.