@ConanOBrien

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@ConanOBrien

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”