@Cpin42

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@Cpin42

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

@Cpin42

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

@Cpin42

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

@Cpin42

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

@Cpin42

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@Cpin42

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster