The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Has science gone too far?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster