The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up