The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Has science gone too far?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song