*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”