I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!