Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.