βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it π
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Iβm heading to buy a box of condomsβ¦
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldnβt even make the ticker
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, βsmell this leftover hamβ incident back in 2004.
Itβd be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
Itβs like he doesnβt even know me at all.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.