I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
BaD BoY!!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
😅😅😅
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur