“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth