@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@DurtMcHurtt

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.