@FormerHumorist

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@FormerHumorist

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

@FormerHumorist

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

@FormerHumorist

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

@FormerHumorist

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.