@Fred_Delicious bugs when you lift up a rock
@Fred_Delicious @Fred_Delicious Happy birthday to all the women
@Fred_Delicious [arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
@Fred_Delicious Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
@Fred_Delicious Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
@Fred_Delicious Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
@Fred_Delicious I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
@Fred_Delicious Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
@Fred_Delicious “daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
@Fred_Delicious Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk