*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos