Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
2022 be like
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit