@Home_Halfway ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
@Home_Halfway @Home_Halfway 📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
@Home_Halfway 2022 be like
@Home_Halfway Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
@Home_Halfway Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
@Home_Halfway Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
@Home_Halfway WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
@Home_Halfway Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
@Home_Halfway Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
@Home_Halfway ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5