@Home_Halfway

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

@Home_Halfway

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

@Home_Halfway

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

@Home_Halfway

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

@Home_Halfway

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5