I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead