We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…