@IfIwassomething

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

@IfIwassomething

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

@IfIwassomething

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

@IfIwassomething

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

@IfIwassomething

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

@IfIwassomething

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

@IfIwassomething

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

@IfIwassomething

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.