At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?