@Jake_Vig

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

@Jake_Vig

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

@Jake_Vig

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

@Jake_Vig

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

@Jake_Vig

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

@Jake_Vig

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

@Jake_Vig

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

@Jake_Vig

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.