@Jake_Vig

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

@Jake_Vig

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

@Jake_Vig

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

@Jake_Vig

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

@Jake_Vig

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

@Jake_Vig

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

@Jake_Vig

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

@Jake_Vig

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

@Jake_Vig

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?