@Jake_Vig

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

@Jake_Vig

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

@Jake_Vig

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

@Jake_Vig

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

@Jake_Vig

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

@Jake_Vig

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

@Jake_Vig

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.