Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.