@JediGigi

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

@JediGigi

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@JediGigi

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

@JediGigi

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

@JediGigi

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

@JediGigi

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.