Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?