@JodingersCat Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
@JodingersCat 
@JodingersCat Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
@JodingersCat When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
@JodingersCat 911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
@JodingersCat My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
@JodingersCat I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
@JodingersCat My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
@JodingersCat Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
@JodingersCat Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
@JodingersCat What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters