@JodingersCat

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

@JodingersCat

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

@JodingersCat

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

@JodingersCat

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

@JodingersCat

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

@JodingersCat

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

@JodingersCat

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

@JodingersCat

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

@JodingersCat

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters