the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
OH. COME. ON.
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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we’re dead?
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down