One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.