My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.