@Mandiatrandom1 [explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
@Mandiatrandom1 @Mandiatrandom1 “Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
@Mandiatrandom1 *takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
@Mandiatrandom1 I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
@Mandiatrandom1 Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
@Mandiatrandom1 Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
@Mandiatrandom1 Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@Mandiatrandom1 “Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
@Mandiatrandom1 Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
@Mandiatrandom1 I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon