@Marcmywords2

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

@Marcmywords2

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@Marcmywords2

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

@Marcmywords2

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

@Marcmywords2

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.