[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now