@Marcmywords2

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

@Marcmywords2

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

@Marcmywords2

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

@Marcmywords2

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

@Marcmywords2

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

@Marcmywords2

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

@Marcmywords2

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

@Marcmywords2

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.