Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.