@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@SCbchbum

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

@SCbchbum

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

@SCbchbum

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

@SCbchbum

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

@SCbchbum

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

@SCbchbum

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

@SCbchbum

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.