If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.