Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.