@SardonicTart [Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
@SardonicTart @SardonicTart I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
@SardonicTart “Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
@SardonicTart [Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
@SardonicTart I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
@SardonicTart [First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
@SardonicTart *Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
@SardonicTart *Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
@SardonicTart Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
@SardonicTart Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.