“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan