My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them