@Stellacopter

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

@Stellacopter

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

@Stellacopter

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

@Stellacopter

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

@Stellacopter

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

@Stellacopter

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@Stellacopter

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier