I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us