@SunshineJarboly the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
@SunshineJarboly 
@SunshineJarboly one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
@SunshineJarboly the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
@SunshineJarboly “Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
@SunshineJarboly not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
@SunshineJarboly *family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
@SunshineJarboly Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?