@SunshineJarboly

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

@SunshineJarboly

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

@SunshineJarboly

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

@SunshineJarboly

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

@SunshineJarboly

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven